Get off my lawn

September 3, 2020

As the old man of the group, it’s not uncommon for me to say old man things. I also have no problem speaking my mind, usually to the embarrassment of my wife. This season you will be blessed with a semi-regular segment where I pontificate about dudes that I don’t like for one reason or another.

By Doug Green

So for the initial version, let’s deal with five whippersnappers that I’m low on this season.

1. Daniel Jones, QB, NY Giants: His nickname bothers me. Danny Dimes is a stupid name. He has nothing outside that scares anyone, defenses key on Saquon Barkley, and Evan Engram has been less than stellar in the middle. Jones has had two coaches in two years, so that’s two new offenses he’s had to learn along with the usual rookie acclimation. I just don’t think he can lift the hot garbage at wideout to even your normal garbage levels.

2. Travis Kelce, TE, Kansas City: He has a stupid hair cut. DJ won’t shut up about him. I hate that I have to grudgingly acknowledge him as one of the best TEs in the game. I do think he takes a small step back this season with extra coverage rolling his way, along with the excess wear and tear that comes with winning a Super Bowl.

3. Adam Thielen, WR, Minnesota: I seriously don’t get what gets people so hyped about this dude. Stefon Diggs was the superior player, but the Vikings packed him off for a song. Thielen doesn’t have game-breaking speed, doesn’t make circus catches, or score in bunches. He’s just a guy. Also, the yellow gloves are lame. They don’t match your uniform and they look a flag that should be called on you for offensive pass interference.

4. Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Dallas: Look, he was already annoying because he went to Ohio St. and played for Urban Meyer, then he went and dissed my friend Jen at a meet and greet, and that put him over the edge for me. He’s just a jerk. Also, nobody eats cereal that way. Have some manners. On top of that, he’s a suspension waiting to happen and the only person who likes him less than me is Roger Goodell. His suspension risk is a good enough reason for me to duck him in the first round.

5. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay: First, look at that smug-ass face. Then he’s always trying to get free plays by throwing the ball after they call a penalty. Do you want to play football or do you want to adjudicate the playbook? You know why the final season of Game of Thrones sucked? BECAUSE HE WAS IN IT. ESPN and NFL Network will still tell you that he’s elite and can will his team to a Super Bowl, but that run was an awful long time ago. Davante Adams is pretty good, but the rest of that WR corps is iffy at best. If you take him early, it will not bode well for you.